Posted on October 25, 2011 | Category: Finding Your Way, New IFS Therapists
By Mary DuParri, MA, LPC, “Finding Your Way” Topic Expert Contributor
Newer IFS therapists sometimes become discouraged because the remarkable demonstrations and deeper work experienced in training triads does not occur as frequently in their sessions with clients. It can can feel as though we are doing something wrong if we are unable to get into that Self-led flow that we would like.
So, what is the difference between what we did in triads and what we are doing now in our own office? When not in flow, we have to look two places to see where parts may be getting in the way of the process. One is inside our own system. What is going on that our parts are not allowing us to be in Self at this moment, and what can we do to address this?
Sometimes we are working too hard. We may have thinking parts that are trying to figure out what to say next. Good intentioned as they are, they may interfere with the Self-to-Self relating between the client and us. When that quality of relating is not present, we do not have flow. Therefore, noticing and working with our own parts, including asking them to step aside in session, can help. I often spend a few seconds before I go to greet my client and ask my parts to help me be present with the person I am about to see.
The other place to look when flow is not happening is inside our client’s system. What is going on with him or her that this Self-to-part relationship is not happening, and what can I do to facilitate greater Self-leadership? This is where the questions we learned in the first days of training are so important.
How do you feel toward that part?
What does it want you to know?
These questions often seem to work like magic because they invite the basic ingredient for healing: the relationship between the client’s Self and a part. When the flow is not flowing, it is often because that relationship is not established or is not trusted. Our job, then, is to facilitate an improved relationship by asking the two questions and helping the client’s part to feel genuinely understood. I appreciate that the questions are so simple to remember that they usually do not trigger a thinking part. In fact, in my early IFS days, the simplicity of the IFS questions could trigger my concerns that the client thought I had only a ten-sentence repertoire for therapy. However, asking those parts to step aside was easy because they quickly saw how well the questions worked.
When we consistently remember that our job is to guide the client toward an improved relationship with his or her parts, our work becomes easier. We can ask ourselves, “Is what I’m doing now adding or detracting from the client’s relationship with the part?” When we add to the client’s words, we are often detracting. Instead, we can simply reflect what we heard and introduce a way to be with the part that is often new to the client.
Therapist: “So this part is always trying to figure out what is expected of it, right?”
Client: “Yes.”
Therapist: “Let it know you get that.”
Remembering that this last piece—directing the client to let the part know it is understood—is crucial to creating flow. Because we have just heard about the burden that the part carries, we might want to begin exploring right away how the part took on its role. That is the right path to take, but not until we have enhanced the connection with the part. Sometimes we do that by saying the above words. At other times, we invite the client to just be with the part, and we sit in silence, holding the space for that Self-to-part relationship. We get into flow when the Self of the client can see and be with the part and when the part can see and be with Self. We also get into flow when our Self can see and be with the client and the client’s parts.
Once we sense that the Self-to-part relationship is present, we ask the next question: “What is the part afraid will happen if it stops doing that?” When in flow, a sudden awareness often shows up for the client. The client might be surprised by the answer and say: “This sounds weird (or this doesn’t make any sense), but the part says if it stops…” And there it is—the flow of being inside with the client’s system. From there, we move to exiles and unburdenings, but those only happen if we have created the Self-to-part relationships and remain in flow.
I welcome questions and comments on this and future topics you would like to see in the next Finding Your Way column.
Posted on September 28, 2011 | Category: Somatic IFS, The Internal Family Embodied
By Susan McConnell, MA, CHT, “The Internal Family Embodied” Topic Expert Contributor
The Somatic IFS tool that rests upon base of the pyramid (Somatic Awareness), is Conscious Breathing. With Somatic Awareness, we uncover and develop our innate capacity to be aware of our bodies. We apply this awareness to our breathing. The act of breathing is largely outside our awareness. Bringing consciousness to it is a simple yet radically effective act. Breathing air into our bodies awakens, nourishes, energizes, and creates more spaciousness and calm. Conscious Breathing, resting on the earthy foundation, provides an airy cushion for the tools of resonance, movement, and touch, which lead to the state of Embodied Self.
Try it now. Just simply notice that you are breathing for several breaths. Does anything change for you in your body or mind? You might want to try to notice your breathing as you continue to read.
The connection between breath and Self/Spirit/Soul is evidenced in many cultures and is reflected in their languages. The Latin spirare is the root for both “spirit” and “respiration in our language.” The Hebrew and Sanskrit words for breath are synonymous with Spirit. The Greek psyche means “breath” and “soul.”
Although technically the lungs occupy a limited space in the body, the breath as prana, as Self Energy, is not limited. Prana is a central concept in Vedantic philosophy, referring to a vital life force comparable to the Chinese notion of Qi. Prana enters the body through the breath and travels to every part of the body, connecting them with this life force.
Awareness of the breath is at the heart of most contemplative practices. It has been said that the Buddha disappeared for a month while he was teaching in northern India. Upon his return, his students discovered that he had been on retreat, practicing Anapanasati (the “full awareness of breathing”). They were perplexed. Why would he spend time in retreat with such a basic practice when he was already enlightened, they asked. He replied very simply: “Because it is a wonderful way to live.”
For me, it’s easier to notice my breath when I have nothing else going on, but it can be challenging to sustain this full awareness of breath—mine and my clients’—while sitting in my therapist chair. But as I cultivate this tool, I have found that it is a wonderful way to do IFS as well as a wonderful way to live. My breath is always available to me.
Conscious Breathing in Somatic IFS doesn’t typically involve particular breathing techniques. However, there are many wonderful breathing techniques from Pranayama Yoga and other Eastern practices. These techniques can influence the sympathetic nervous system to help with regulation of parts-mediated body processes (blood pressure, heart rate, circulation, digestion) and to change subtle energies within the body for health and well-being. These specific breathing techniques also can be useful for unburdening and unblending as well as for accessing Self energy.
The tool of Conscious Breathing reveals the parts and their burdens that affect the mechanism of breathing, and brings Self energy to the parts as they inhabit and use our bodies. Conscious Breathing is useful in every step of the IFS therapy process. I will share some ways I use this tool at the beginning of a session, when working with protectors, exiles, unblending, and polarizations, working with trauma, and the therapeutic relationship.
Are you still aware of your breath?
Beginning a Session
I like to begin by tuning in to my breath. Conscious breathing helps me monitor and regulate my own nervous system and somatic experience and anchor this experience in Self energy. I notice the breathing patterns in my client. I might invite the client to focus on his or her breathing.
To do insight work in IFS, the client needs to be able to go inside. Sometimes they need guidance to do this. Awareness of breath helps the client to turn inward—to slow down, to make space to notice what’s happening inside. Breath is the bridge that carries our clients as they transition from the outer world of activity and things to their inner world of sensation and feeling.
Shunryu Suzuki, in Zen Mind, Beginners Mind, described breath as a swinging door:
“When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world. When we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. . . . When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing; no “I,” no world, no mind nor body; just a swinging door.”
Not being enlightened, I still differentiate inner and outer worlds. So when we explore our inner worlds with an abundance of Self energy, information is revealed to us about these inner systems just by noticing our habitual breathing patterns. When Self energy flows on the breath connecting inner worlds and outer worlds, it is contagious.
Working with the Protective System
Manager parts have learned to control feelings by tightening the muscles and fascia. The respiratory muscles of the torso and diaphragm are one of their favorite sites for holding in strong feelings. Once an effective and necessary strategy, the breathing pattern may become chronically restricted, shallow, and rapid. The person has limited access to their emotions and their aliveness, and their physical health is affected. Awareness is the first step to shifting this pattern. Once the muscles finally let go and allow a full breath, the frozen feelings melt and turn to tears.
Our protective system skillfully and diligently uses any part of the body to do its job. I invite my clients to channel their breath to these restricted and armored places. I will say to a client, “Breathe into this tightness (pain, block, numbness, and so on). Let your breath explore the area of tightness, as if it is saying a gentle ‘hello.’ Notice if this tightness feels You present in your breath. ”
Working with Exiles
As the protector’s body armoring begins to melt in response to Self energy through the breath, the feelings, sensations, beliefs, and stories of the ones they have been protecting may spontaneously emerge. We focus on the physical sensations of these exiles with the inbreath, and we send the young parts the qualities they are needing (reassurance, acceptance, presence) on the outbreath.
The core beliefs of the exiles can be revealed in habitual breathing patterns. The beliefs that we are not worthy or loved can be reflected in shallow breaths in the top lobes of the lungs. The client can experience this somatic story of the exile and then experiment with breathing deeply Self qualities of spaciousness and compassion into those restricted areas. Painful emotions and memories may flow as the exile feels connected to this life force. The burdens can be released on the outbreath with sighing and other sounds, and new qualities can enter on the inbreath. Reinstatement of a normal breathing pattern follows.
Unblending
When Self energy in our clients (or in us therapists) is obscured by blended parts, the process of IFS Therapy can be slow going. Conscious Breathing can be a helpful tool when highly verbal, overanalyzing, storytelling protectors don’t trust Self, or when exiles flood the system with their emotions. I bring awareness to the blended situation and suggest to my clients that they momentarily shift their attention to their breath. I invite them to be curious about their breathing. They may laugh and say they were barely breathing. I direct them to focus on the sensations of the inhale and exhale through the nostrils and the movements or restrictions in the torso for several breaths. Depending on the part that has been blended, I may suggest an appropriate breathing technique to bring more Self energy to the part. Once the client feels calmer and more centered, we can proceed to develop a relationship between the previously blended part and their Self.
Polarizations
Breathing patterns, as a rhythmic process of expansion and contraction, are often the place where our polarized parts come to play. Existential issues of life and death are reflected in this core process. Bringing full awareness to the entire process of breathing in and breathing out with exquisite awareness holds the polarization in a place of curiosity and openness where it can be explored.
The polarization may show up somatically with left-right, top-bottom, or front-back splits. The client can breathe into one side of the body and then the other to both parts of the polarization to feel connected to Self energy so the system can move toward depolarization.
Working with Trauma
Physiological reactions to trauma (flight, fight, freezing responses) affect the musculature that controls the breathing patterns. Traumatized parts are frozen in these muscles. Bringing awareness to the pace or quality of the breath can regulate the autonomic nervous system and is effective in navigating the cycling of hyper- and hypo-arousal. With a few full breaths, the client has more access to Self energy and can possibly avoid the blending and dissociation that often accompanies processing traumatic memories.
Therapeutic Relationship
Within the therapeutic dyad, I find that my breath can be affected by my clients—becoming more rapid or shallow, for example. Noticing this, I intentionally shift my breath—breathing deeply into my sides and back, and resting at the end of each exhale—and I soon feel more centered and grounded. My breathing pattern may in turn affect my client’s, resulting in a shift in my client toward more Self energy.
Sometimes I intentionally synchronize my breath with my clients’ for a few breaths. It helps me to attune to the feeling state that my client may only be expressing nonverbally. This segues into the next tool—Somatic Resonance—which will be the topic of my next blogpost. In the meantime, I continue to look forward to your comments. And let’s all continue to experience awareness of our breathing—a wonderful way to live!
Posted on September 2, 2011 | Category: Finding Your Way, New IFS Therapists
By Mary DuParri, MA, LPC, “Finding Your Way” Topic Expert Contributor
A question frequently arises in trainings about how to introduce IFS to the client. In training triads, we just say: “Is there a part you would like to work with?” and almost instantly we are helping the client work with an identified part. No wonder it is confusing when we return to our offices and realize we have no words to help shift from “Hello, my name is Mary. Did you have any trouble finding the office?” to “Would you like to go inside and focus on a part?”
For the client who is truly curious about the IFS framework, we can give a brief overview. Here is a sample of what you might say to a client who wants help with her fears of intimacy:
Let me explain how this model of therapy works. It is based on the idea that we all have a core Self that embodies our essence and all of our finest qualities, like compassion, creativity, and wisdom. We are born with these qualities, this Self, this Spirit. And as we begin dealing with and relating to the world, we develop inner protectors—parts that want to keep us safe from harm or pain. Some parts do this in an outwardly positive way. For example, I have a part, developed in childhood, that feared appearing stupid. This part actually helped me to be a diligent student and a hard worker. However, the fears of this part sometimes kept me quite anxious and unable to trust my own ability. Other parts protect us in ways that have a more negative effect. For example, a part might learn to use alcohol to keep us from feeling fear or pain. This part has found an effective tool to manage our inner hurt despite the damage it causes to health, judgment, or relationships. In the IFS Model, we help parts heal not by pushing them away, but by getting to know them better and understanding the underlying hurts. When we heal those wounds, parts then do not need to lead or be so extreme because they begin to trust that we are now safe.
You mentioned that you have a part that always seems to sabotage your relationships. Would you like to get to know that part better to see if we can help it? Okay, how does that scared part show up? Do you notice it physically, in or around your body? (And now we’re in.)
Many clients, however, do not want or need this much explanation, so I usually do not lead with it. After I have done an intake and have a sense of the presenting issues, I usually say: “I would like to give you a taste of how I would begin to help you with this issue so you can see whether I am the therapist you would like to work with. Does that sound okay?” There is almost always a yes answer to that. Then I use the same language as above. “You mentioned you have a part that gets scared and sabotages your relationships…”
Sometimes our explanations of the Model happen in the course of the session because when we begin the IFS language, the client asks more questions.
Client: Parts? You think I have parts?
Therapist: Yes, I think we all have parts. We say it all the time. Part of me wants to do this. Part of me wants to do that. In this model, we do not just listen to those inner messages—we get into dialogue with them and begin to truly understand them.
Or, we introduce the idea that all parts have a positive intention:
Therapist: Can you ask this part how it is trying to help you?
Client: Help me? Are you kidding? You think this part is trying to help me?
Therapist: Yes, all our parts are trying to help us, even if we are not yet able to see how.
We even continue to teach the Model with a longer-term client. Here’s one who knows and works rather well with her parts. But this small exchange helps her understand her own system better.
Client: I hate this part that makes me eat all the time. And, I know, I know, I’m not supposed to hate my parts.
Therapist: It makes sense that a part of you hates the part that makes you eat. And it’s not that you are not supposed to hate your parts. The fact is that it is not you that hates the part; it is another part. Let’s see if it needs to say more or if it would be willing to step aside so that you can be with the part that eats.
These dialogues may offer ideas to use as you are creating the words that fit your style and your client’s comfort. I also send clients to the About IFS link on the Center for Self Leadership website or to the IFS Store to purchase Dick Schwartz’s book Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model. Many of my clients easily find themselves in these pages and gain a greater understanding of the IFS path to healing.
Posted on July 19, 2011 | Category: Somatic IFS, The Internal Family Embodied
By Susan McConnell, MA, CHT, “The Internal Family Embodied” Topic Expert Contributor
In my last blogpost, I introduced Somatic IFS and the five tools that lead to a state of Embodied Self energy, which is so crucial to the practice of IFS. This post focuses on somatic awareness.
Awareness of our bodies is fundamental to Somatic IFS. Somatic awareness is the first of the tools that make up the pyramid and the foundation. As the base, it is the largest, not only in terms of size but also importance and the amount of time we use the tool.
All the other four tools rest and depend on somatic awareness. They flow organically from awareness and lead to an experience of Embodied Self. With somatic awareness, we can be conscious of our breath, our body is available as an instrument of resonance with another, our movements will be integrated and coherent, and our touch can be an open, sensitive channel of communication.
Somatic awareness is our birthright. As I hold my newborn granddaughter, it seems to me she is only aware of her body sensations as she roots for the breast, yawns, sneezes, cries, and sucks on her fist. She is aware of temperature, sounds, and textures from her skin receptors, and she responds to them with her entire body. Her eyes seem to be looking inward. By the age of two months, she has begun to expand her awareness to include the outside world as she smiles and sticks out her tongue in response to the faces I make.
For many of us, it is this interaction with the outside world that begins to limit our inherent capacity for awareness. The wounds that happen to our vulnerable, open systems happen to our bodies. The wounds eventually scar over with layers of protection, and these are also in our bodies. Our protective parts find ingenious ways to try to keep somatic states out of our awareness. Cut off from our sensate experience, we are cut off from our deepest knowing, from our sensual pleasures, from our relationships with others, and with the natural world. At our core, we long to regain intimacy with our bodily experience and to explore the intricacies of communication of our tissue, viscera, bone, and fluids.
IFS offers a powerful method to heal the nearly inevitable dissociation from our body awareness that occurs during our lifetime, even the extreme dissociation that occurs as a result of extremely harmful situations. Simply having a willingness to be aware is a place to start. A client many years ago taught me about how to begin the process. We acknowledged her dissociation as a necessary and even brilliant response to her trauma. Then she was able to notice the tip of one small finger for 5 seconds before she was flooded with feelings. We slowly reassociated her awareness of her body. Eventually she was able to restore her awareness to her entire body and notice the sensations she liked and those she didn’t.
Awareness implies Self energy. Awareness evokes Self energy. When, in any given moment, a part is dominating our lives and we bring awareness to that fact, it’s as if we have brought a ray of light into a dark room. Awareness that we are withdrawing, or that we are speaking critically, opens the door to options other than spinning our wheels. When we bring awareness to that set of feelings and behaviors, curiosity can follow, and more internal space is created.
We can begin with scanning our bodies and noticing what is easily in our awareness and what is less in our awareness. We enjoy the sensations that are there and get curious about the places in our body that are harder to notice. We find the parts that contribute to the blocks, the numbing, and the dissociation. We discover how they accomplish their jobs. We learn that they believe they are protecting us. We appreciate them for this important work, and we may learn what happened for them to believe they had to do this cutting off. They may admit they are tired of it and would long to not have to do it. It is hard work to block such an inherent, powerful capacity as our body awareness.
We explore whether it is truly safe now to shift this bodymind organization. Parts may be willing to trust in a little body awareness for a little time, like the client I mentioned above. We may discover more of the story as the block lets go slightly and other body sensations or feelings emerge.
If we can stay with sensations over time, we notice that they change. Often the sensation lessens—the muscle tension releases and may be replaced by pleasurable sensations of tingling or warmth. Or the more vulnerable parts may want to express through different body sensations. They may get stronger as they notice they are finally being listened to and want to “talk” louder and longer. We can ask the sensations to stay at a tolerable limit, reassuring them we won’t ignore them. Staying with sensations alone, and asking the associated emotions, thoughts, and narratives to hold off, is helpful when the client is on the verge of being flooded or overwhelmed with the hurtful situation from the past.
In addition to bringing our awareness to the body, the body also has its own capacity for awareness. When freed from the burdens it carries from trauma and attachment wounds, our body is a wonderful resource for awareness.
Every cell of our body hums with awareness. Each organ has its own awareness that communicates with other awarenesses. There are the organs of perception—sensory receptors of the skin, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and musculoskeletal proprioceptors. In addition, each of our 80 trillion cells is busy exchanging information and communicating with other cells, with the larger systems of the body, and so on, ad infinitum. Each cell knows about connection, one of the qualities of Self. Through the act of breathing, each cell is connected with the outer environment in a continual exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. The proprioceptor cells as well as structures in each cell, which have an awareness of the action of gravity and our relationship to our vertical alignment, help us feel centered and grounded.
Each of the trillions of cells in our body contributes to a larger field of Self energy that we always have available to us. Simply connecting with some aspect of our body—our spine, our feet, our pelvis—can help us access this Self energy when our parts are taking over all the energy of our mind.
In my next blogpost, I will focus on the second of the five tools—conscious breathing.
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